It’s News Jim, But Not As We Know It by Paul Featherstone

I fucking love the Americans. I’m not ashamed to admit it.
Even when I was in New York last year, where everyone is supposed to be a massive arsehole, people were overwhelmingly nice. No-one is nice to me here everyday, not even my missus.
Anybody who says they don’t like Americans is a liar, or they have never watched a movie in their life. I don’t like the French, so I refuse to watch any of their movies. Yet I like French indie music. I don’t know, I’m torn. You get the point though, you can’t universally tarnish a nation.
I think when people don’t like Americans, it’s when they ramp up the American too much. A key case in point is Fox News. “Americas Newsroom”. Owned by Rupert Murdoch, it’s as even handed as Assad’s Syrian news network.
I’d love to write a satire of it, if they didn’t have it nailed so fucking good themselves. If you have ever watched it, you will know their “Fair And Balanced” slogan is the most unwittingly deadpan punchline they could have conjoured up.
To say they are Christian and Conservative, is like saying Jesus didn’t fancy the Atheist route. Obama is the Devil and has been since day one. George W Bush and Mitt Romney are the greatest men since Darwin.
It’s unpatriotic to attack the President, unless he is a Democrat. You name it, they will contradict it to fit their news agenda. It’s like if the Daily Mail had a rolling news channel fronted by George Osbourne, it’s that right wing.
Their biggest star, Glenn Beck, was let go for being too forthright it his views, and to do that on their airwaves, you have to fucking go some. If you haven’t checked him out on YouTube please do. He is one of the key faces of the Tea Party movement and is somehow, worryingly, helping to change the political landscape over there. Beck once burst into tears on air, trying to invoke the national spirit and unity of September the 12th, 2001. I imagine you would have to give Huw Edwards enough LSD to take down a Rhino before he shed a single tear. Even as his very mind melted, he would still remain stony faced and stiff lipped.
Bill O’Reilly is their top guy now Beck has departed. O’Reilly is the kind of guy who calls a spade a spade, in that he hates Mexican immigrants. He’s a major “talker over” telling people to respect him by letting him speak, then essentially going “la-la-la” with his fingers in his ears when they begin to form a cohesive sentence.
O’Reilly is another joy on YouTube, I urge you to view his video where he challenges someone who denies the idea of Creationism to explain the tide of the sea. “Okay smart guy, explain that to me. Tide goes out, tide comes in. Explain that”. Cue thousands of comments regarding gravitational pull.
He clearly possesses no brain, yet is still able to speak for a solid hour on his show. Honestly, I would not be surprised if he was operated by Dick Cheney via his anus.
It’s the greatest piece of entertainment on TV at times. The Thick Of It can’t touch it. I defy anyone who watches to not become addicted after a while. It’s on in the background right now, talking about the “Cost Of Freedom”. On O’Reilly’s show tonight he is discussing the threat coming from Kim Jong-Un and then there is a piece on Prince after that. I’m making none of this up.
So watch it, laugh, but don’t tarnish the country because it exists. There are people somewhere in this country who read the Daily Mail, agree with it’s views and resist the temptation to use it as an alternative to Andrex. It doesn’t mean we are all raving right wing scaremongers though. Just half the population who voted Conservative at the last General Election.
I’ve put BBC News back on now. They have a background of grey skies for a craggy faced woman discussing welfare reforms. Cherish it.
Paul FeatherstonePaul Featherstone is 31 years old and lives in Hull. Most people call him “Fev.” He has an encyclopaedic knowledge of football and music and uses the word “c*nt” far too much in everyday conversation. He spends a lot of his time blagging his way into celebrity parties. He is to be commended for once meeting Jo Whiley and refraining from beating her to death with a big stick. You can read more of his vitirolic comments on

2 thoughts on “It’s News Jim, But Not As We Know It by Paul Featherstone

  1. Paul Delph says:

    Great stuff.
    I would also encourage people to watch the youtube clip from earlier in Bill’s career when the term ‘to play us out’ leaves Bill confused and incandescent with rage. To be fair to him I think it was a Sting video……look under ‘Bill O’Reilly loses it’ or something similar.

  2. The Fiend says:

    Ain’t that right geez. Just keep an eye on those Israelis.

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