My name is Heston Blumenthal, and I love to cook! Well, with a name like mine I was hardly going to get a job on a building site was I?
I do not class myself as a chef, that title would not befit such a talented man like me. I decided that I needed a much more pompous title. The idea that food is a science in its self led my to adorn myself with the job title ‘Molecular Gastronomist’. This basically means, that I mess around with your food in such a way, that makes you think that it is satisfactory for me to charge you £195 (+ VAT) per person to dine at my 3 Michelin star restaurant ‘The Fat Duck’

The time has come for me to totally overhaul my pretentious menu. I have decided that I shall aim to impress the people whose job it is to destroy me, the food critics. People think that because I am a perfectionist, that every body thinks my food is perfect, but 3 people did not.

During my time at ‘The Fat Duck’ 3 critics in particular have given me less that favourable reviews in their respected mediums. I have thought that the only way to win over these 3 is to take their remarks, over analyse them and produce dishes based on their criticism.

STARTER :- My new starter is based on German food critic Wolfram Siebeck’s remarks when he visited my restaurant back in 2005. He stated that my ‘Mustard ice-cream in a red cabbage gazpacho soup’ reminded him of a ‘ fart of nothingness.’ The dish will be called ‘Tofu Tear Gas’. It will be presented as a plain plate of flavourless tofu, which they will start to tuck into. At which point I will deliver a jar of my very own stale wind. These jars will be opened and wafted into the face of the customer. This will result in the tofu taking on the flavour of my well seasoned bottom burp!

MAIN COURSE :- The main course is dedicated to the Independents food columnist Ben Rogers. In 1996 Mr Rogers described my monkfish dish as ‘rubbery’. RUBBERY!!! That piece of fish was slow roasted in sea water from ‘Atlantis’, then smoked with the fumes from Mount Vesuvius, that I had flown in from 79 AD.
The new dish will be a whole donkeys dick braised in the semen of a unicorn, then wrapped up in a mock ‘Durex’ made of sausage skin. the diner will be instructed to remove the prophylactic from the donkeys dick and suck out the incredibly salty (and incredibly rare) unicorn gravy from the pigskin. All the time the sound of a mule ‘braying’ will be played around the table.

DESSERT :- Dessert is to be produced to commemorate what world famous chef, Nico Ladenis remarked about my most famous dessert. He said “Someone who makes bacon and egg ice-cream is hailed instantly a genius, if you make ice-cream out of vomit, are you a star?”. So, for the last 3 months, I have been having the contents of my stomach pumped and freeze dried. This will be delivered to the table in miniature toilet bowls. The customer will be asked to lick the creamy chowder from around the rim. Grated carrot will be available to deliver that truly authentic vomit experience. While all the ‘rimming’ is going on, the smell of a men’s urinal will be emitting from the bowl.

To win over the people who criticised me originally, I will invite them all to sample the full menu together before the menus debut in the restaurant. Bon Appetit!

Here is the full menu

STARTER :- Tofu Tear Gas

MAIN COURSE :- Donkeys Delight

DESSERT :- Shout at Your Shoes Sorbet

Martyn Taylor is a 31 year-old father of three and lives in Hull. His pastimes include watching 80s action films over and over again and and debating the all-time Premiership XI with Mr Miles. His knowledge of American sitcoms of the 90s stands second to none. He once walked into a men’s public lavatory absent-mindedly singing the theme tune from Two And A Half Men. You can find him on http://www.twitter.com/shirleysblower but he never tweets, so just follow him on here.