Premier League Predictions by Martyn Taylor

You will have seen, heard and read them all week long, people. When you bought your tabloid newspapers on the way to work, or listened to your various sport Podcasts while sat on the bus. Everyman and his dog has a prediction about what might occur during this season in the Premier and football leagues.

Who will go down?

Who will break into the top 4?

Who will win the ‘Sack race’?

I don’t care who will go down, I don’t care who’ll be a surprise package! Here at Sitting on the Swings a few of us got together and put our heads together and decided (over a few beers) what we should predict for the upcoming season.

So Italian it's possible he's taking the piss.

So Italian it’s possible he’s taking the piss.

 

So here is the ‘Sitting on the Swings 10 predictions for the season’

1. Paulo Di Canio to go insane.

Paulo Di Canio is by far the Premier League’s biggest fruit cake (since Ballotelli left City). He has already banned his players from having ketchup on their meals or ice in their drinks because he once saw a team mate drink a glass of Coke before a game and they lost! Nutter! He slid on to the pitch on his knees to celebrate securing safety last season. He has also fallen out with every player from last seasons squad. We are surely now only a misplaced ‘Mama Mia’ away from a full blown gasket and an impromptu attack on a referee (again)

2. Theo Walcott to peak too early.

Theo really is an annoying little twerp! He can skin defenders left, right and centre at will, lay a pass on a plate for an attacker to tap in, and single handedly win matches for the Gunners. No doubt he will be a shoe Rio. however come March, April or May, Mr Walcott will start picking up niggling injuries or tweek his hamstring, and make his visit to Brazil only half the player he was in September.

3. Rio to make Rio!

For a while now, it has genuinely eluded me how for 3 years to long Rio Ferdinand has been idolised as a great defender. He has a bad back, no pace and a funny looking lip! Once or twice a game he makes a good block, and because he points out a danger for Vidic to clear, it means he can ‘read the game well’ NO! Not having it! He was a brilliant defender at his best, but sorry Rio, no Rio for you!

4. ‘Fergie Time’ To become ‘Moyes Time’.

I give it 2 weeks before we have a situation where Man Utd will be losing or drawing at Old Trafford in the dying minutes. Moyes will have a quick word with the 4th ref, and POW! 6 minutes added time will appear from nowhere! Man U will score and ‘Fergie Time’ becomes ‘Moyes Time’ The transition will be seamless!

5. Hawk Eye goes Bog Eyes!

In the age of video technology, where punters have been crying out for some help for the officials, I predict that Hawk Eye will either fail, or be unable to give a definitive yes or no. Did it cross the line, or didn’t it? will never be the same argument again. On the bright side, at least it will give us miserable sods something to moan about in pub!

6. Female intuition fails!

A couple of years, there was uproar when the Premier League appointed a female linesman…. sorry lineswomen. Keys and Grey laughed and joked off camera, which led to their sackings. Nevertheless, she had an impeccable game and avoided all the attention that came her way. I reckon that sometime this season, Miss Massey will make a poor decision which could change the outcome of a match. Mr’s Keys and Grey will sit back in their ‘TalkSport’ studio and sneer “We told you so.” BURKS!!!

7. Off with their heads!

The distinguished and knowledgeable folk at ‘The Sun’ or ‘The Mirror’ will review the first 5 or 6 results of the season and call for the heads of Mark Hughes, Steve Bruce, Harry Redknapp or Nigel Pearson to roll after poor starts. The chairmen of the clubs will take the difficult decision, to remove the manager from their posts. The same tabloids that called for the guillotine in the first place, will call it a disgrace and slate the chairmen for their decisions! Morons!

Simmer down, girls.

Simmer down, girls.


8. Rooney’s third coming.

Wayne Rooney has long not been a fan of his new manager (for reasons mentioned in an earlier blog) Come November, when Robin Van Persie once again falls foul of his injury jinx that blighted his career at Arsenal (and many of my fantasy teams) where will Moyes turn? Step up Rooney the saviour. He will score the goals that keep Utd’s title challenge on track, and by January he will have signed a new contract and once again he will be kissing the badge of his beloved Man Utd.

9. Mark Hughes. Midas touch?

For many years, Mark Hughes has been touted as a top manager. Every time a top job comes up, like this summer at Stoke, his name invariably is mentioned. How the hell is this? Everything the guy touches turns to shit! The only exception was his stint a the Wales national team manager, where he got the best out of the players he had. I propose that if he doesn’t make it past the end of the season at Stoke, the man should never work in football again….EVER!…..

Number 10 is perhaps the easiest to predict.

10. Joey Barton to go cuckoo on the pitch.

The Premier League’s most over hyped ‘Hard Man’ ever, is on his last chance (again) at QPR in the Championship. After spending last season trying to rebuild his career in France with Marseille, he’s back! I give him until November before he kicks, punches, gropes, spits, or snarls at an opponent, team mate, referee or ‘Arry Redknapp. TUTT TUTT naughty boy Joey!

 

mart questionsMartyn Taylor is a 31 year-old father of three and lives in Hull. His pastimes include watching 80s action films over and over again and and debating the all-time Premiership XI with Mr Miles. His knowledge of American sitcoms of the 90s stands second to none. He once walked into a men’s public lavatory absent-mindedly singing the theme tune from Two And A Half Men. You can find him on http://www.twitter.com/shirleysblower but he never tweets, so just follow him on here.

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