How’s it going?
Eh…

You’re writing for this site because your primary goal in life didn’t work out.
What was it?
Well just like all of us when we were young I wanted to be an international superstar footballer with a recording contract. Just like Glenn Hoddle but with respectable music and less conversations about the disabled.

What were you like at school?
I was a joker, I had the ability but I just didn’t apply myself. At least that’s what my report card generally said.

What is your all time favourite
a) Album?
I can’t really choose so I’ll say Highway 61 revisited. Dylan making police siren noises means he’s in a good place. However my choice will change momentarily.
b)Film?
I don’t have a favourite but I’ve probably watched Enter The Dragon more than any other so I’ll go with that.
c) Book?
My favourite book as a child was Buddy, I read it a couple of times when I was young and the story kind of stuck with me as it introduced me to things in the world that I had not stopped to notice.
d) Sitcom?
Blackadder if that is classed as a sitcom. If not then I’d go with Only Fools and Horses.

What’s your most treasured material possession?
I’m not very materialistic to be honest so I would have to say my diamond encrusted pure gold mask that is modelled on my own face…

What is the single best item of clothing you’ve ever owned?
A brown leather jacket which I bought as a teenager and got more than my money’s worth out of it, this left my other jackets very jealous. It was involuntarily retired a couple of years back. It turned out it was too old and warn out so I had to put it down. I have the memories and of course the anniversary of its passing to keep me going.

Who is your favourite sportsperson ever?
Most people who know me know this answer but for anyone else let me explain with a memorised quote.
‘Vieira’s pass, it’s been picked up by Ryan Giggs. Yorke has made a diagonal run, there’s support in the centre as well but this is still Ryan Giggs who’s passed Dixon, past Keown and has scored a sensational goal. What a moment for Ryan Giggs’.
So yeah, that man.

Other than property, what is the most expensive thing you’ve ever bought?
My Fender Fat Strat which I bought with borrowed money on a memorable day out with my brother. Sometimes you just have to say to yourself ‘go on take your student loan and blow it on that shiny thing, you’ve earned it’.

What’s your poison?
I’m a lager drinker I but have been known on occasion to enjoy a pimms, that stuff is the devil.

Who is the funniest person you’ve ever met?
Bernard Manning, he did a stand-up act and handed out our medals at a football presentation. He was a controversial man but on that day he was hilarious.
‘Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your fucking football’.

Pick five words to describe yourself.
I’m not a performing monkey.

Has there ever been a period in your life that you look back on and think “What the hell was I doing?”
Yeah I would say between the ages of about 18 and 22 as I don’t remember much about them.

What’s in your pockets right now?
Currently I have nothing but a hole in my pocket. You can guess what happened there.

Can you dance?
What I do can loosely be called dancing. I’ve been told my moves are a cross between Iggy Pop and River Dance. Just don’t stand too close as you may get hurt.

Vinyl, Tape, CD or MP3?
Although I used to collect vinyl it’s got to be the CD for me. The choice is not out of love it was just the standard for my generation. It is however the coldest form apart from mp3 as there was never any interaction with a cd. I remember when I was about 9 years old and I use to record the songs off the radio onto tape and make my own play lists I found one a few years back and it mostly consisted of songs I wouldn’t care to listen to again, ever. However the CD came in and things changed.

What are you most likely to complain about in a hotel?
I would probably be complaining that I’m in the wrong hotel due to being lost. I generally get lost when I leave Hull but it just adds to the fun.

What characteristics do you think you’ve inherited from your parents?
I inherited my wits and looks from my dad so I can’t complain really as he is a handsome chap and you only have to look at your dad to see what you will look like when you’re old so I’m reassured by that. I got my love of good music from my mum which I cannot be more grateful for whenever I hear what my dad is listening to.

What’s your most unpleasant characteristic?
Hmm…I can be sarcastic which can be annoying to some but funny to others although I am not as bad as I used to be. I also hate to lose. I have been known to like a good debate on certain subjects, some of my friends would call this arguing but only when they have lost that argument. There are also others I can think of so maybe my worst characteristic is I’m over critical of myself, yeah that’s me. I’m perfect apart from that.

What’s your culinary speciality?
I once made some homemade soup and it was brilliant so I will go with soup. I am not a fan of the kitchen and if its walls could talk it would probably be less polite about me.

What single non-political thing winds you up the most?
That would have to be 1 in 1 out queues, they really grind my gears and have done since being a young teenager ‘Hey you, you can’t come in the shop until the other kid leaves’. The local shop took a stern view that we were all degenerate moronic thieves as it made it easier to police us I guess. This continued through to adulthood as I continued to stand at the back of a queue at packed but not particularly good clubs, although the morons in the queue seem easier to spot these days.

What’s your greatest fear?
I fear dying and then ascending to heaven to find myself at the back of a very long 1 in 1 out queue to get in. I’m pretty sure I won’t be on that guest list.

What music would you have played at your funeral?
Probably some Van Morrison or Springsteen as my mother would like that and everyone can enjoy it really.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?
A man aware of his life but unaware of his reality.

Recite a line of the greatest lyric ever written.
‘How can the life of such a man be in the palm of some fool’s hand? To see him obviously framed couldn’t help but make me feel ashamed to live in a land where justice is a game’.

Happiness is…
The front of a 1 in 1 out queue…only joking. I would say family and close friends.

What are your plans for this weekend?
I’ll be going to watch the match on Saturday against Cardiff where promotion beckons. We are on a bad run of games to say the least and I’m a bad omen to be fair as I’ve only caught 2 games this season and we lost them both so I’m fairly confident…