You’re writing for this site because your primary goal in life didn’t work out. What was it?
I wanted to be a car designer when I was a kid. I’ve ended up designing websites instead, which is much less glamorous and the pay is considerably worse. Thanks for that.
What were you like at school?
I was alright really. I kept my head down for the most part. I went to David Lister School in East Hull, which was so terrible it was named after a character from a sit-com. I did well to end up in a job that I like, I don’t think there’s a KFC or McDonald’s in Hull I can walk in without being served by someone I went to school with.
What is your all time favourite
‘Hurtbreak Wonderland’ by World’s End Girlfriend. If I had to listen to one album before being deprived of my hearing, that would be it. You bastard.
Old Boy. I like violent revenge films about kidnapping and incest. This is the best one.
‘The Origin of Species’ by Charles Darwin. Probably not the book I’ve enjoyed reading the most (although it is incredibly enjoyable) but I’ve picked it as my favourite because of what it’s done to the world.
Spaced. Intelligent and stupid in equal measure, but completely brilliant.
What’s your most treasured material possession?
My Gibson Les Paul Custom. Everything about it is nice. I’m seriously flagging on the ‘talent:nice guitar’ ratio though.
What is the single best item of clothing you’ve ever owned?
I had a Liverpool away shirt with ‘Diouf 9’ on the back when I was a kid. I got it printed after he scored twice on his Anfield debut against Southampton. I must’ve worn it every day for a week after that game. I didn’t wear it much for the rest of the season though.
Who is your favourite sportsperson ever?
Floyd Mayweather. In my opinion, the best pound-for-pound boxer of all time. He’s arrogant and flash like many boxers gone by but the big difference is he’s never been beaten and can completely justify it. It’s nice to actually get to watch an active “all-time-great”, in most sports they tend to have come and gone before I was even born. Second place would be Dante who plays for Bayern Munich.
Other than property, what is the most expensive thing you’ve ever bought?
My first car, a Peugeot 207. It was bright red and French but I loved it. It took me around Europe on two separate occasions and I paid it back by writing it off in a horrible accident with a road sweeper.
What’s your poison?
I’m a beer drinker. German wheat beers and Belgian ales are my norm and I do like a nice hand pull, thanks.
Who is the funniest person you’ve ever met?
Maria Stephenson. I have some pretty funny friends but she probably edges them all.
Pick five words to describe yourself.
Ginger. Not good at this.
Has there ever been a period in your life that you look back on and think “What the hell was I doing?”
Not particularly. I’ve also been a bit too bland to regret a wacky fashion choice or inadvisable hair.
What’s in your pockets right now?
My underpants don’t have pockets. Only kidding! I’m naked.
Can you dance?
I would say so, yes. I once won a dance-off at a music festival whilst dressed as Luigi (Mario’s brother) against a guy who was also dressed a Luigi. It was a Luigi dance-off.
Vinyl, Tape, CD or MP3?
CD. I like physical format and I listen to music a lot in my car. My car isn’t fancy enough to have a docking station thingy, or a vinyl player for that matter.
What are you most likely to complain about in a hotel?
Cleanliness, I guess. Although, looking around my room now, that would make me a massive hypocrite.
What characteristics do you think you’ve inherited from your parents?
My Dad’s interested in music. He used to play me and my brother a lot of music when we were kids; The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin and such. A lot of it is still some of my favourite music. Now I introduce him to stuff and our interests cross over. Not on everything though, I still get the whole David Bowie thing. The silly hair colour is from my Mother.
What’s your most unpleasant characteristic?
I swear quite a lot. I’m not offended by much so I don’t see it as a problem but I guess people don’t like it when I’m “effing” and “cunting” in front of their kids.
What’s your culinary speciality?
I make a pretty bangin’ curry. I’m not sure what it is exactly, it developed over a few months of trial and error. I’d say it’s a kind of Indian curry but that’s probably massively insulting to an Indian chef.
What single non-political thing winds you up the most?
Religion. Blind faith, ignorance, oppression, terrorism, racism, sexism, homophobia, the indoctrination of children, the holding back of humanity and Bill O’Reilly. The list could go on but I think you’ll find all of those things fit under the heading ‘Religion’.
What’s your greatest fear?
This all ending too soon. Unless we all go down together in some sort of asteroid strike, that would be pretty cool to witness.
What music would you have played at your funeral?
I don’t want a funeral but if someone feels the need to play a song in my honour, ‘When I’m Sixty Four’ by The Beatles, please.
What do you see when you look in the mirror?
My ginger face. I got told the other day, “I think a beard suits you but you’re probably limiting the amount of girls that may be attracted to you because, y’know… they’ve got to not only like beards but also ginger beards”. I’m not sure how that’s relevant to the question but it did make me laugh.
Recite a line of the greatest lyric ever written.
“And I wondered how the same moon over this Chinatown fair could look down on Illinois, and find you there”, or any line from ‘Shore Leave’ by Tom Waits.
Not getting stabbed.
What are your plans for this weekend?
Not sure, it’s only Monday. By default I normally just sit in Pave on a Saturday afternoon so I guess it’ll be that unless things change. I’m at a wedding next weekend, but that wasn’t the question.