How’s it going?
Pretty good. Although this feels like work so my mood is deteriorating rapidly.
You’re writing for this site because your primary goal in life didn’t work out. What was it?
It was this. Without a shadow of a doubt this is the pinnacle of my existence. If not this, then something really well paid and easy.
What were you like at school?
Most of my mates are from school, so alright I guess? Like most people on this site, I cottoned on I could just coast it after a certain point. I literally didn’t bother revising for a single exam. Which is really stupid looking back.
All time favourite album?
I’m torn daily by this, it flits between all sorts but The White Album, Abbey Road, Definitely Maybe, What’s The Story and Ziggy Stardust are mainstays, chased hard by the likes of Doves, Pulp. Fuck, I don’t know.
All time favourite film?
Heat. It’s a crime against cinema it didn’t win Oscars and it was, literally, decades before The Dark Knight, which is the same movie with capes and gets far more credit.
All time favourite book?
George’s Marvellous Medicine by Roald Dahl. I don’t care if its a kids book, kids today wouldn’t be so thick with such an influence alive and writing. They should prescribe it to their equally thick parents as a benefit condition.
All time favourite sitcom?
The Simpsons. Ignore the last ten years of course. Before that their classic moments outweigh everyone else by a ratio of 100:1.
What’s your most treasured material possession?
My music collection. I do however, panic check my pockets for my iPhone several times a day.
What is the single best item of clothing you’ve ever owned?
I’m not a peacock, so who knows? I went through a period where I went drinking too much and wore really small sizes, so my mind wistfully casts back to those items as they won’t fit.
Who is your favourite sportsperson ever?
Muhammad Ali. No one will ever be so high profile and sacrifice so much. He was right too.
Other than property, what is the most expensive thing you’ve ever bought?
I don’t know if this counts, but I once paid a mobile phone bill for several years because I was too lazy to cancel the contract. That’s pretty fucking expensive when I had no physical return. At all. These are the reasons I have never learnt to drive, laziness and a poor grasp of expenditure.
What’s your poison?
Booze-wise anything. I can appreciate special brew, I can appreciate champagne. I’m not the kind of chap who gets his kicks from running up a hill.
Who is the funniest person you’ve ever met?
All my mates are pretty funny, although I think I’m hilarious cos I’m an arrogant bastard. I have a friend named Jason Harros, who is unintentionally hilarious. He once had a few drinks to “take it easy” due to work, then divulged he was drinking scrumpy. He had asked for cider and was 4 pints into an 11% loopy juice.
Pick five words to describe yourself.
Funny, clever, miserable, angry, temperamental. Which sounds like a chick flick tagline.
Has there ever been a period in your life that you look back on and think “What The Hell Was I Doing?”
About 15 or 16, being an idiot hanging about in large crowds, drinking, being the kids I hate now.
What’s in your pockets right now?
Wallet, keys, change, nectar vouchers, a giant bag of heroin. I may have spiced that up.
Can you dance?
Not really, so I quickly learnt to talk girls ears off instead.
Vinyl, tape, cd or mp3?
CD, I am northern so demand a physical return for my investment (unless its an obsolete mobile contract). I like that mp3 allows me to walk to my favourite music everyday, but its not the same. 90% of my iPod is uploaded from CD.
What are you most likely to complain about in a hotel?
It’s all about the hot water for me. As long as that’s working I’ll lay my head on any pillow.
What characteristics do you think you’ve inherited from your parents?
My dads height and temper, my mothers nose, and working class guilt.
What’s your most unpleasant characteristic?
I’m pretty fucking miserable at times, if I do say so.
What’s your culinary speciality?
I do a magic risotto. There’s a band name for you.
What single non political thing winds you up most?
Thick people. Not people who are just less intelligent, but really thick people who just go out of their way to be ignorant and force that on society. There’s no excuse for it, you’re the top of the food chain, behave accordingly. If I wandered past a stadium of such people, I’d level the fucking place.
What’s your greatest fear?
Dying. You can conquer the rest of them like flying cant you? I reckon that’s it, so if you’re just gonna go and not see the people you care about anymore that’s pretty scary. Maybe refine it to sudden death or a death I feel is unfitting? I demand a cool death where I can bid goodbye beforehand, not being hit by a falling branch in a storm.
What music would you have played at your funeral?
In My Life by The Beatles, and Abide With Me just to cover myself with God. You need an insurance policy don’t you? You don’t go on holiday without one, so why die uncovered?
What do you see when you look in the mirror?
Rick from the Kaiser Chiefs.
Recite a line of the greatest lyric ever written
“You will never understand,
How it feels to live your life,
With no meaning or control,
And with nowhere left to go”
Common People by Pulp.
See previous answer about thick people- indie kids dancing to it at the disco, when they have parents paying for them to go to uni and buying them cars.
A warm gun. Or a cold beer.
What are your plans for this weekend?
So far I’ve watched 3 shit movies on 5 star, there are days the remote is too far away, and the people who run these channels know that. Then I’ve somehow been hoodwinked into self analysing rather than relaxing, which just made me mad because stuff annoys me like thick people. I’m back to work on Sunday, so thanks for this time consuming task. I told you I was miserable.