Ryan Bracha

How’s it going?
Well, it’s going, that’s the important thing. I’m sat on a bus. Everybody’s reading The Metro. I only read the sports and funny pages anymore so I’ve finished it. I’ve sat it beside me in the hope someone wants it.

You’re writing for this site because your primary goal in life didn’t work out. What was it?
If you were a Transformer you’d be Negatron. My life’s goals are all intact and achieved/achievable sunshine. I wanted to direct films and I’ve done that, now I want to write books, I’m doing that. I wanted to lick my elbow and I could do that before I got fat. My only hurdle in life is that I can’t ski up an escalator that’s going down.

What were you like at school?
My biology teacher once said quite early in my career as a schoolchildren that I’d get through life on my natural ability. I took it as an instruction and never really tried since. Otherwise I was funny but shy around girls.

What is your all time favourite
a) Album? I have too many for a definitive, but I’d probably be most upset if you deleted Black Keys’ Rubber Factory from existence.
b)Film? Fight Club, every day of the week. I went to the cinema several times on my own to watch it.
c) Book? Bedroom Secrets of the Master Chefs by Irvine Welsh.
d) Sitcom? Ideal. The most bizarre telly going. Johnny Vegas plays it perfectly.

What’s your most treasured material possession?
My computer. I’d have an absolute meltdown if some ratbag nicked it. Or if one of the cats set fire to it. Or if my Mrs said ‘It’s me or the computer.’ I’d have to think hard, but eventually I’d ask her if she could just post the key back through on the way out.

What is the single best item of clothing you’ve ever owned?

I had a top quality duffel coat back in the day. That was awesome, cost me a fortune in yesterday’s money. But I’m gonna say my Admiral retro Tottenham jacket, it’s a running joke in my family that I rarely go anywhere without it on. I love it. If the Mrs said ‘It’s me or the Tottenham jacket.’ I’d… I’m kidding, chill out kid.

Who is your favourite sportsperson ever?

Gary Mabbutt, I spoke to him on the phone at work once. I couldn’t do much else for the next 20 minutes. He was pure class, except in 1987.

Other than property, what is the most expensive thing you’ve ever bought?

With the royalties from my first book I took my Mrs to Paris for a few nights on our first wedding anniversary, that was quite pricey. We’ve had stuff like sofas and tellies and cars, but that was summat just I paid for. I liked the romanticism of the gesture.

What’s your poison?
Gin. Lager. Meths. Aftershave. Anne Robinson’s blood. Gazza’s sweat. Owt really.

Who is the funniest person you’ve ever met?
Stewart Lee. I’ve seen his stand up shows live a few times. When I told him my name he said I did indeed look like a Ryan. I took that as a compliment but to be fair if he told me I was a fat toothless Yorkshireman with a greying hair issue I’d take that as a compliment too. People I know from real life who are funny I’d have to say my brother Rob, we’re hilarious together. Our wives might disagree, but we’re too busy laughing to care.

Pick five words to describe yourself.
Clever. Confident. Handsome. Funny. Modest.

What’s in your pockets right now?

My hand, my phone, my keys, my money. My hand’s not in there anymore. My phone, my keys, my money.

Can you dance?
I think I can. I’ve got quick feet and a bit of rhythmn, or I used to have. Now I’m older though I just jump. Jumping’s fun innit? I’m off to a gig on Thursday and my plan is to jump. Maybe I’ll sing too, but I’ll mostly jump.

Vinyl, Tape, CD or MP3?
Minidisc. Nah, for convenience on the bus it’s MP3, for in a car it’s CD, for at home it’s vinyl, and for getting to work at Meadowhall on the train from Doncaster in 1995 it’s Coolio’s Gangster’s Paradise album on tape.

What are you most likely to complain about in a hotel?
The quality of the breakfast, or lack thereof.

What characteristics do you think you’ve inherited from your parents?
I got my eyes from my mum. With a spoon.

What’s your most unpleasant characteristic?
I can get a mean ‘monk on’ if I don’t get my way. I’m not spoilt or anything like that, far from it, but if I really want something and I don’t get it then it can ruin my day, and if it ruins my day there’s a chance I’m going to ruin your day. I’ve mellowed a bit more recently, and I haven’t had a proper monk on for ages.

What’s your culinary speciality?
Garlic Mushrooms. Seriously, my garlic mushrooms are obscenely good. Once upon a time if I made you garlic mushrooms, you were likely to wake up in my bed the next morning.

What single non-political thing winds you up the most?
Simon Cowell and anything to do with him and his smug face. Isn’t his face smug? You can’t tell me it’s not smug. It’s a smug, smug face. I could happily chin him.

What’s your greatest fear?

Knowing I’m about to die. Like, if I was on a plane about to crash, or if I were drowning. I don’t like the idea of that at all. I’d rather a sudden death to just get it over with. Unless I was doing a Michael Hutchence or David Carradine. That’d probably be alright.

What music would you have played at your funeral?

You will miss me when I burn, by The Palace Brothers. Maybe not. I dunno. Everlasting Light by the Black Keys. It was mine and my wife’s first dance, if she’s gonna go meeting new people after I kark it, I want to ruin that song for her.

What do you see when you look in the mirror?
I see pride. I see power. I see a bad ass mudda that won’t take no crap affa nobody.

Recite a line of the greatest lyric ever written.
“I said a hip, hop, a hippit, a hippit to the hip hip hoppa you don’t stop the rockin’ to the bang bang the boogie said up jump the boogie to the rhythm of the boogedy beat.” – Rapper’s Delight.

Happiness is…

Standing in a field with my wife and friends watching some quality bands with my blood pumping the booze around my body.

What are your plans for this weekend?
Got a plumber coming to do the annual boiler check. I’ve got to stay in for that. Other than that I’ll assume my usual position with some beers and my computer and do some serious writing on Saturday with football on the radio, and maybe me and Becks will go and do summat on Sunday. Good times.

Ryan BrachaRyan Bracha is a prolific liar. Once he was able to jump over three moving buses for charity, only to be busted a week later because there was no charity, he spent the proceeds on a moob reduction. He’s also the author of three novels and a collection of shorts. The latest of which is Paul Carter is a Dead Man, a semi-dystopian satirical thriller where criminals are sentenced to death by a society raised on a deformed version of Facebook, and one man decides that enough is enough. It is the best book that he or anybody else has ever written. It is available now on paperback and for Amazon Kindle. Buying it feeds his two cats for another day. Think about that as you choose to buy food for your own selfish belly instead of buying his book. He lives in Barnsley with the aforementioned two cats and his wife, Rebecca. Here’s the link to his book. http://tinyurl.com/obvw244


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