This Women’s Work (part 2)…. By Vicky Taylor

mart and vicky

10:30 AM – Martyn rolled in at 10 o’clock last night pissed up. So as punishment I woke him up him up early so we can go shopping, Ha Ha! He told me he was only going out for 2 or 3 pints and he came home steaming! Why is he putting them sunglasses on? He looks daft, and besides, its not even sunny.

10:35 AM – Thank god we’re nearly there, the car stinks of stale booze, maybe I should’ve driven. The kids, sensing Mart’s tender head, have started to take advantage and are playing up. The traffic lights are changing so I’ll have a chance to calm them down. Hang on, he’s going for it. WOOH! that was close, too close when the kids are in the car. I give him my ‘Calm the fuck down’ look and he has the nerve to have a go at me!

10:40 AM – At least we’re here at Sainsbury’s now. Why is he parking all the way over here when there are all them spaces near the store? Oh yeah, someone opened their car door onto his last week and left a mucky mark. This better not be a permanent habit. I tell him if it rains I better not get wet. He strolls off pretending not to hear me. Wanker!

10:45 AM – Mart gets the trolley and gives it to me. I head straight to get some veg for dinner tomorrow. I turn around to ask Mart to get some spuds, where the hell is he and where are the boys? I bet they are looking at the shitty X-box games. Oh well, I’ll get the veg myself and make that twat cook it tomorrow.

10:50 AM – Oh good they’re back. Just in time for me to show him the meat he’s gonna be cooking tomorrow. I tell him he is cooking it but he seems distracted. Then I realise what has his attention. Walking towards us is a trampy looking woman in a skimpy outfit. Mart’s jaw nearly hits the ground. Could he stare any harder at her? He looks like a puppy dog with his tongue hanging out, perv!

10:57 AM – Martyn throws 3 cans of lentil soup in the trolley, who the hell eats that shit? I ask him if we need some beans. He looks at me like I’m thick, but he was the one cooking beans on toast at 11 o’clock last night while pissed. He tosses two cans in sarcastically, I ignore him and walk on.

11:03 AM – Martyn is letting the kids run riot down the sweet aisle. They all grab hands full of sweets to eat at movie night tonight. Marts been bugging me to get him ‘The Karate Kid’ to watch with the boys. He is happy I got it from town the other day. He thinks I bought the original version, but I got the remake that the boys wanted with Jackie Chan in.

11:12 AM – Is he really getting more beer? Didn’t he drink enough last night? What’s he doing now? him and the boys are fighting, I knew I shouldn’t have got a kung-fu movie. People are starting to stare, how embarrassing!

11:16 AM – Mart grabs a drink off the shelf and only bloody opens it and starts guzzling it down! He sputters something, puts the lid on and puts it in the basket. I work here, the last thing I need is to be arrested for shop lifting again.

11:18 AM – Gracie is pestering Martyn for something. Mart picks her up and starts throwing her around. I tell him she has just had a full bottle of milk in the car. My warnings fall on deaf ears. He carries on and she spews on the floor. Mart just looks at it and walks off. I can’t leave it so I clean it up.

11:27 AM – Mart tells the kids to sit down while he packs, I load the grub onto the belt. I do it all tidy so its easy to pack away. What, just what is he doing? Could he mash that loaf of bread up any more? Slob!

11:31 AM – I pay for the shopping, with Mart’s debit card of course (which will be a nice surprise for him later). I get the kids together and head out. Great, its pissing it down! I warned him. he runs with the trolley hollering something back. Just then, BEEEEEPPPP! A car nearly hits him. Ha Ha! He should’ve parked closer!

Get Martyn’s take on this trip to Sainsbury’s here.

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This Man’s Day (part 2)… By Martyn Taylor

mart and vicky

10:30 AM – Why do I do this to myself? Its bad enough having to go shopping on a Saturday morning, but to make things worse, I’m nursing a hangover after 8 pints in the pub last night. Vicky seems in a mood as well, I’ve no idea why. I’m not about to ask her why either, she’ll bite my head off. Christ! That sun’s bright, its like needles in my retinas, better put my shades on.

10:35 AM – Nearly there now, just this set of lights to make it through and we’re there. The kids are starting to play up in the back, which is doing my hangover no favours. Hang on, the lights have changed to amber. Fuck it! I’m going for it. Made it. Vic gives me a look. I tell her if she doesn’t like it she can drive home.

10:40 AM – At the car park now. Some twat dinked my door when I was here last week, so I’m gonna park at the back where nobody ever parks. Its a 2 minute walk to the Sainsbury’s but its worth it to keep my car safe. Vicky goes on about how the weather is going to change later, but I ain’t listening.

10:45 AM – I get the trolley and we make our way into the shop. Vic takes the trolley and goes down for some veg. Me and the boys go down the magazine aisle for a flick through the mags.

10:50 AM – We catch up to the wife, she’s picking some meat for Sunday dinner, she tells me we’re having pork. I hear her but my attention is drawn down the aisle. A cracking looking bird is walking towards us. I play it cool and catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye. She has brown hair, a short skirt and a tight white top. The chill of the fridge has made her nips stand up a wee bit. Its funny how much you can pick up in a glance.

10:57 AM – Down the tinned food aisle I throw a few cans of soup in. Vic asks if we need any beans. How the hell do I know? She cooks the god damn dinners. I toss a couple in and look at her as if to say ‘Is that enough?’ She just rolls her eyes and walks off.

11:03 AM – Down the sweet aisle the boys and Gracie run off to choose some goodies for our DVD night tonight. Vic said we could watch ‘The Karate Kid’ which I’ve been nagging to watch because its one of my favourites from the 80’s.

11:12 AM – I throw a 6 pack in the trolley while down the beer aisle. They boys are playing up ahead, I’ll show them who the real karate kid is. I run up to Lewis and deliver a Mawashi-Geri-Tudan to his head (just playing of course). Then me and Harrison recreate the famous ‘crane-kick finisher’ from ‘The Karate Kid’. Vicky shows her displeasure with a ‘TUT’

11:16 AM – I’m thirsty, so I grab a Lucozade off the shelf and have a swig, ‘That’s better’ I say as I put it in the trolley. Vicky gives me daggers, I tell her to chill out as I’m going to pay for it.

11:18 AM – Gracie is nattering for a biscuit, so I scoop her up and twirl her around ballroom dancing style. She seems happy so I carry on. I maybe went a bit too far with it as she has done a little bit of throw-up on the floor. ‘Whoops’ I say as Vic cleans it up with a baby wipe.

11:27 AM – At the till the kids sit on a bench as I take charge of the packing. My hangover is really kicking in now so my usual tidy packing turns into chaos as I rush to get the grub into the bags.

11:31 AM – Vicky pays for the shopping, which is nice of her. We make our way out, and its only started to bloody spit. I run off with the trolley towards the back of the car park shouting ‘Don’t forget you’re driving.’ I over-run the path and a car nearly knocks me over. Fuck! I wish I’d’ve parked closer now.

See this shopping trip through Vicky’s eyes here.

This Mans Day…. By Mr Martyn Taylor

mart and vicky

5:40 AM – After an uncomfortable nights sleep in bed next to Vicky tossing, turning and snoring, the sadistic morning alarm goes off. I wake up in horror, she doesn’t react. I run over to my phone and hit the 10 minute snooze button. I jump back into bed and snuggle up to my wife in the hope of some early morning action. After 10 minutes of kissing her neck and stroking her back, the snooze alarm goes off. for the full 10 minutes she did not move an inch. I take the hint and get up turn off the alarm and slope off downstairs, in a mood!

6:30 AM – After a rushed coffee and bowl of cereal, I sit an the toilet to ‘relax’. I have my phone with me so I see what all the night owls have put on ‘Facebook’. Nothing good on there, so I finish up, get washed, dressed and take the dog out.

7:00 AM – Off I go to work. Half asleep I drive almost on auto-pilot to the factory. I hate this place. When I arrive some bastard has parked in my spot, so I abandon my car wherever I can.

7:30 AM – I clock-on and prepare for the day ahead. Vicky will be getting up around now, she can relax while the boys get themselves ready for school, they’re old enough now.

10:00 AM – The hooter goes off for tea break. I have 12 minutes to rush down a cold cup of tea, a pasty, a few grapes and an apple. After throwing them down my neck, the hooter goes off again signalling work time, I get back to it. I bet Vicky is enjoying hot brew and her daily appointment with ‘This Morning’. Lazy cow!

12:30 PM – Finally I have 30 minutes to myself, I can relax and enjoy my dinner. I sit with the same people every day out of habit. We talk about the same things every day, its boring now! but its comfortable. I reckon Vicky will be having a nice hot bowl of soup with another cuppa, I have stale sarnies…. great!

1:00 PM – 4 more hours at work for me then home to see my family at 5 o’clock. It will be the first time I’ve seen them all day and can’t wait, the boys are fun and Gracie is an angel.

4:45 PM – YES!!! That’s the home time hooter, I clock-off and head to my car to go home.

5:00 PM – I get home and go into the house the boys are playing and Gracie greets me at the door with a hug. Vicky tells me dinner is in the kitchen, so I go through. Great! its beans on toast again, I told her I liked it one time and now I get it all the time, I’m sick of the sight of it now.

6:00 PM – Oh no, she’s watching ‘ Home and Away’ and ‘Neighbours’. Can’t she watch this shit when its on during the day? I ain’t watching it, I’m off to do the pots.

7:00 PM – Vicky is off to work, I use the word ‘work’ loosely as I reckon all she does is gossip and drink tea for 4 hours. 4 hours! Is it worth going?

8:00 PM – I’ve bathed the kids and put them to bed. Gracie went to bed with no fuss for a change, the poor kid was beat. I can finally chill out and watch some football.

11:30 PM – Oh shit! I nodded off no later than 10 minutes into the football. The sound of Vicky’s’ keys in the door had woken me up. I sit up quickly so she doesn’t see me asleep and think I’m lazy, I can’t believe she’s moaning about me not drying the pots. Oh fuck this. I’m off to bed!

See the day from Vicky’s perspective here.