Premier League Predictions by Martyn Taylor

You will have seen, heard and read them all week long, people. When you bought your tabloid newspapers on the way to work, or listened to your various sport Podcasts while sat on the bus. Everyman and his dog has a prediction about what might occur during this season in the Premier and football leagues.

Who will go down?

Who will break into the top 4?

Who will win the ‘Sack race’?

I don’t care who will go down, I don’t care who’ll be a surprise package! Here at Sitting on the Swings a few of us got together and put our heads together and decided (over a few beers) what we should predict for the upcoming season.

So Italian it's possible he's taking the piss.

So Italian it’s possible he’s taking the piss.

 

So here is the ‘Sitting on the Swings 10 predictions for the season’

1. Paulo Di Canio to go insane.

Paulo Di Canio is by far the Premier League’s biggest fruit cake (since Ballotelli left City). He has already banned his players from having ketchup on their meals or ice in their drinks because he once saw a team mate drink a glass of Coke before a game and they lost! Nutter! He slid on to the pitch on his knees to celebrate securing safety last season. He has also fallen out with every player from last seasons squad. We are surely now only a misplaced ‘Mama Mia’ away from a full blown gasket and an impromptu attack on a referee (again)

2. Theo Walcott to peak too early.

Theo really is an annoying little twerp! He can skin defenders left, right and centre at will, lay a pass on a plate for an attacker to tap in, and single handedly win matches for the Gunners. No doubt he will be a shoe Rio. however come March, April or May, Mr Walcott will start picking up niggling injuries or tweek his hamstring, and make his visit to Brazil only half the player he was in September.

3. Rio to make Rio!

For a while now, it has genuinely eluded me how for 3 years to long Rio Ferdinand has been idolised as a great defender. He has a bad back, no pace and a funny looking lip! Once or twice a game he makes a good block, and because he points out a danger for Vidic to clear, it means he can ‘read the game well’ NO! Not having it! He was a brilliant defender at his best, but sorry Rio, no Rio for you!

4. ‘Fergie Time’ To become ‘Moyes Time’.

I give it 2 weeks before we have a situation where Man Utd will be losing or drawing at Old Trafford in the dying minutes. Moyes will have a quick word with the 4th ref, and POW! 6 minutes added time will appear from nowhere! Man U will score and ‘Fergie Time’ becomes ‘Moyes Time’ The transition will be seamless!

5. Hawk Eye goes Bog Eyes!

In the age of video technology, where punters have been crying out for some help for the officials, I predict that Hawk Eye will either fail, or be unable to give a definitive yes or no. Did it cross the line, or didn’t it? will never be the same argument again. On the bright side, at least it will give us miserable sods something to moan about in pub!

6. Female intuition fails!

A couple of years, there was uproar when the Premier League appointed a female linesman…. sorry lineswomen. Keys and Grey laughed and joked off camera, which led to their sackings. Nevertheless, she had an impeccable game and avoided all the attention that came her way. I reckon that sometime this season, Miss Massey will make a poor decision which could change the outcome of a match. Mr’s Keys and Grey will sit back in their ‘TalkSport’ studio and sneer “We told you so.” BURKS!!!

7. Off with their heads!

The distinguished and knowledgeable folk at ‘The Sun’ or ‘The Mirror’ will review the first 5 or 6 results of the season and call for the heads of Mark Hughes, Steve Bruce, Harry Redknapp or Nigel Pearson to roll after poor starts. The chairmen of the clubs will take the difficult decision, to remove the manager from their posts. The same tabloids that called for the guillotine in the first place, will call it a disgrace and slate the chairmen for their decisions! Morons!

Simmer down, girls.

Simmer down, girls.


8. Rooney’s third coming.

Wayne Rooney has long not been a fan of his new manager (for reasons mentioned in an earlier blog) Come November, when Robin Van Persie once again falls foul of his injury jinx that blighted his career at Arsenal (and many of my fantasy teams) where will Moyes turn? Step up Rooney the saviour. He will score the goals that keep Utd’s title challenge on track, and by January he will have signed a new contract and once again he will be kissing the badge of his beloved Man Utd.

9. Mark Hughes. Midas touch?

For many years, Mark Hughes has been touted as a top manager. Every time a top job comes up, like this summer at Stoke, his name invariably is mentioned. How the hell is this? Everything the guy touches turns to shit! The only exception was his stint a the Wales national team manager, where he got the best out of the players he had. I propose that if he doesn’t make it past the end of the season at Stoke, the man should never work in football again….EVER!…..

Number 10 is perhaps the easiest to predict.

10. Joey Barton to go cuckoo on the pitch.

The Premier League’s most over hyped ‘Hard Man’ ever, is on his last chance (again) at QPR in the Championship. After spending last season trying to rebuild his career in France with Marseille, he’s back! I give him until November before he kicks, punches, gropes, spits, or snarls at an opponent, team mate, referee or ‘Arry Redknapp. TUTT TUTT naughty boy Joey!

 

mart questionsMartyn Taylor is a 31 year-old father of three and lives in Hull. His pastimes include watching 80s action films over and over again and and debating the all-time Premiership XI with Mr Miles. His knowledge of American sitcoms of the 90s stands second to none. He once walked into a men’s public lavatory absent-mindedly singing the theme tune from Two And A Half Men. You can find him on http://www.twitter.com/shirleysblower but he never tweets, so just follow him on here.

Football Fools and Their Money! by Martyn Taylor

Good job he's good at football ain't it?

As last weekend came and went, the new football season kicked off for the 72 teams of the football league. When This event happens, it brings a nostalgic fondness to my heart. Of all these 72 clubs, all but about 5 are debt ridden, poorly run and hanging on to survive by a thread, Yet they manage to carry on putting out a team week in, week out. The teams represent the townsfolk with passion and pride, and give the patrons of public houses up and down the land, plenty of boozed up banter to keep them chatting until kicking out time.

In the coming weeks the Premier League will be forced down our throats from every angle possible. Sky Sports are already up to season 2004/5 of their review series ‘Premier League Years’ by now.

This season is a little different from other seasons, as it is a World Cup Year. We can hope and dream about how England will forget about their recent failures at international tournaments, and how The Three Lions future stars flopped at this summers under 20 World Cup and under 21 European Championships respectively. Yet maybe, just maybe we could make it out of our difficult qualification group, and maybe how despite of the heat and humidity in Brazil, they can make it out of their tournament group, and how miraculously they will beat some of the super powers of world football in the knock-out phase of the tournament to lift the legendary ‘FIFA World Cup Trophy’ (Not as catchy as ‘The Jules Rimet Trophy’ is it?)

Yet no, there has been little, or no mention of the upcoming competition in the media since the ‘Confederations Cup’ earlier this summer. This is because three of the biggest clubs in the land have changed their managers. Jose Mourinho has returned to Chelsea to hopefully turn them back into genuine title contenders. Manuel Pellegrino has arrived at the ‘Etihad stadium’ to no doubt be given one season to become European Champions, and last but not least Sir Alec Ferguson has retired from his 26 year tenure as Manchester United manager. As many a pundit and fan had predicted Sir Alec has been succeeded by Fergie-clone, David Moyes.

it is the last of these appointments that started a transfer ‘Merry-go-round’ in the Premiership. Wayne Rooney is now, or has never been a fan of Mr Moyes, which harps back to when Moyes was Rooney’s manager at Everton. You see, Mr Rooney had “Written” an autobiography claiming that Moyes had forced him out of his boyhood club and subsequently leaked details of it to the press. David Moyes refuted these claims and sued Rooney for libel, before settling out of court. It seems fair to say that Moyes’s arrival at Old Trafford has upset ‘Shrek’ Rooney. Moyes has basically said that Rooney would have a bit part to play in the future. He now wants out. The only problem is that Rooney has only attracted interest from Man Utd’s title rivals Chelsea, and no way will the Old Trafford outfit relinquish one of their better players to their rivals.

I foresee in the future a lot of sulking, pouting, moaning and yawning in the stands for Man Utd’s former ‘star-larker’, but, lets be honest, if you earned £200,000 a week, I maybe wouldn’t be all that arsed really.

The second prolonged transfer saga of the summer is perhaps the most controversial.

Over at Anfield, Mr Luis Suarez has started to dig his teeth in (no pun intended) over a move away from Liverpool. Unfortunately for Liverpool, he is undoubtedly their star player, so they do not want him to leave, which if you were on about any other teams star player, it would be understandable, but Suarez is no Golden Boy! He is currently serving his second long suspension since joining the club, the first for racism, the second, incredibly, for biting no less. The man is trouble, and the quicker we can get him out of the English game, the better! There is one slight problem though. The only club to have shown any interest in the scum bag is the Premier Leagues perennial underachievers, Arsenal. They bid the tidy sum of £40,000,001 to activate the release clause in his contract, but that wasn’t enough moolah to temp Anfield’s hierarchy to accept. If I was Mr Henry I would snap off the hand of any man offering money for the rat bag, so that it could be reinvested in the club on players who want to play for them.

As no offer has been accepted by Liverpool, I give it a week before Splinter, sorry, Suarez, starts ranting on about how he is been treated like a slave by the club (horrifically)

The third installment of the summer transfer kerfuffle involves Tottenham’s top boy, Gareth Bale. He has been single-handedly carrying Spurs for 3 or 4 seasons now. His out of this world performances have not gone unnoticed. The cream of Europe’s top teams have been watching for a while. Last season Real Madrid made a fleeting advance toward Mr Bale, but they were rebuffed by both club, and player. They would not be deterred. This year, Real have returned with all guns blazing, an offer of £85,000,000 has been touted around the media, but Spurs are not impressed, and refused. The problem for Spurs is that the man in question has had his head turned by the Spanish giants offer. Tottenham are holding out for a ridiculous world record bid of £100,000,000.

Bale it seems, is bound for the Bernabéu, he seems to have Spurs best interest at heart as well as his own, and wants to leave the club in a better shape than it was when he arrived. It seems he may actually leave England with his reputation intact.

Where will these 3 contract rebels end up plying their trades when the next world cup arrives? Who knows! I’m non the wiser, but I do know that the world of football will be non the healthier for all the mud slinging that has been going on.

Money, so they say, makes the world go around, and the world of football is no different!